Hello, my name is “Timber Falls.” I am a horror movie that was released sometime during 2007. I am part of a large and elaborately decorated family of films designed to titillate the viewer in an assortment of grotesque ways. However, unlike some of my more successful counterparts, I kind of failed to deliver. Of course, I’ve got plenty of blood and gore to offer. What kind of scary movie would I be if I didn’t? My story focuses on a pair of lovers (Mike and Sheryl), traipsing along on a nature hike in the Bonnyville section of West Virginia backwoods, wherein they come upon quite the obstacle course of gruesome challenges. Sounds pretty good, right? Well, because I’m honest about my craft, I can actually provide you with five valid reasons to pass me over in favor of something more cinematically substantial. And since after reading this article, you’re never going to watch me, it doesn’t matter that there will be all sorts of SPOILERS in my explanation….
Don’t Watch Me Reason #1: These two characters failed “Decision-Making 101.”
As is a pre-requisite for this genre of film, my two characters decide to get a little frisky in the woods. But when their fun is interrupted by a trio of “greasy-looking” hunters, things get a bit tense. But after nearly getting sexually assaulted (or possibly worse) by said the trio, Sheryl insists that Mike get rid of the bullets for the only weapon they’ve packed for protection. She doesn’t believe in guns.
Don’t Watch Me Reason #2: This couple also failed “Remedial Decision-Making for Beginners.”
If not for my trailer, I would probably have believed this film to be a comedy. Certainly, a woman who has been frightened out of public nudity by a gang of inbred thugs in a thicket of remote woods would not dare to venture outside the comforts of her tent to go—GASP—skinny dipping alone in a lake. But alas, this is exactly what lovely Sheryl decides to do, even after her brush with the necessity for a rape kit.
Don’t Watch Me Reason #3: Is “Mike” really that much different from “Michael?”
The last time I checked, “Mike” was the shortened version of the name “Michael.” But for some reason, our horror film hero thinks that his captor (crazy woman Ida) has performed some sort of miraculous detective-work simply because she called him “Michael” instead of the shortened version belonging to practically billions of men of the same name. Yes, she stole your wallet. Yes, that also means you’re in trouble.
Don’t Watch Me Reason #4: I gave them 1,023 chances to getaway.
Suspense—ahh, what an interesting word. It’s the thing that keeps people glued to their TVs as they sit white-knuckled, anxiously waiting to see how the hero and heroine escape the jaws of danger. But since you’re going to watch another film instead of me, it’s safe to mention that this couple has been given at least 15 different legitimate chances to escape their crazy predators. But because the important Film People have to justify the millions they’ve sunk into production, they decided to let my movie drag on and on. Mike and Sheryl hit their captors over the head once and hobble away; they trip and fall over their own feet; they bleed, grunt, and groan. And at some point, we even see Mike attempting to escape by slowly walking backward after encountering an oddity in the woods. Had he been facing forward (the way most people walk) —he’d never have fallen into that bear trap in the first place.
Don’t Watch Me Reason #5: Are people really this crazy?
I know that I’m just a little movie and all. But I’m really beginning to wonder if people in the world are really this insane. The whole point of chasing this couple around the woods is so that they can force their captives to mate and provide a baby to the uber-religious/seriously psycho barren couple. Have they never heard of adoption? Mental health care facilities? Or maybe even needlepoint competitions? Furthermore, it’s apparent that these people have been killing innocent people and storing babies in jars for many years. But nowhere in their sick little cabin was there a nursery or any place that looked befitting for an infant.
I would hope that the suspension of disbelief is strong enough to entice my viewers not to push STOP on the remote control, mid-movie. Like I said–there is plenty of blood and guts. And there is even a mildly gratuitous love scene involved. And sure, the acting could have been much worse. But I know deep down, that I have failed true horror fans miserably. And for this, I must strongly urge that you move on to the next horror film. Are you looking for free movies to stream online legally? Then try this link here and watch your favorite horror movies along with other popular movies safely on the internet.